Blank Stare...

I started re-reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown again, this time with the Reader Worksheet & Bookclub Guide that I downloaded from her website. I know, I'm a nerd...or as my daughter likes to say, "Mom! You're such a Ravenclaw!"  I enjoy reading books of this nature with a worksheet that has thought provoking questions as I find that I get more out of the reading. The questions give be a moment to focus and also to pause and really chew on the material. To me, it is the difference between drinking your veggies in a smoothie (no worksheet) and eating your greens as is. There is more effort to the latter than slurping everything down just to get it done. (food analogies...good grief!)

Well, all was going well until I read the first question after I finished the preface. It says, "How do you understand the differentiation between self-awareness and self-love?" Uhhh...hmmm...good question (cue the blank stare). I thought I had a handle on it, but being the good Ravenclaw that I am, I went to the University of Google and looked up the definitions of both, and was still sitting in numbed silence. First thing's first, and the definition of self-awareness is as follows:

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.  It is how an individual consciously knows and understands their own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

I sat there for a good while thinking about this definition and applying it to myself. I realized that I was conflating self-awareness with being independent. But how often have I lost myself and my identity to the environment that I was in, or to the people I surrounded myself with? As a woman, how many times have I felt lost in the various identities I have (wife, mother, daughter, sister, Christian, Marine, technician, yoga instructor, etc.)? And over the years, how often have I denied my own feelings and tried to convince myself that I was either being too sensitive or flat out wrong for whatever the feeling was only to keep the peace or make someone else happy? 

The list goes on, but in the end I am left wondering who the heck is this person walking around in my body? Even better, how do I get to know her and find out who she really is instead of who her circumstances says she is? 

Little did I realize that first question from the worksheet would be a one-two punch. As I was still dazed from the first one, I started looking at part 2 of the question, where the best definition of self-love that I could find is as follows:

Self-love is the belief that you are a valuable and worthy person. It is an honest and authentic appreciation of the self that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. It is about valuing yourself as a human being who is worthy of love and respect.

Sounds easy, right? Well, when you look at how my husband and I define love, it is not as easy as I first thought. To us, love is a verb, not a feeling, and it is giving to a person's basic needs without a selfish motivation. So, out comes the paper and I listed what some of those basic needs might look like:

1. Food/drink
2. Clothing
3. Shelter/safety
4. Security
5. Acceptance without judgement

If this is true, then why do I settle for the worst possible food choices? Why do I choose clothing in colors and sizes that allow me to hide? Why do I isolate myself and keep people at arm's length out of fear of being hurt or betrayed (this blog is my first step at changing that)? Why do I spend money on things that I do not need? And why the frick am I so hard on myself???

Looking at both self-awareness and self-love, it is clear that I am not practicing either very well, if at all. Blink, blink, as I stare blankly at the screen. Truth is, I don't think I ever learned how. At some point in my journey I must learn how to do this if I am ever going to break the cycle of addiction (jeez it was hard to write that word) and abuse.