Fear is the Mind Killer

 “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration." This quote from Frank Herbert's Dune has been rattling around in my brain for some time. 

My go-to option in the face of fear is not flight or fight, but to freeze. Paralyzed into indecision and unable to form the words to describe my feelings, I retreat into myself while trying to figure out the best path forward, through, or around the perceived threat. More often than not, I am making a bigger deal of whatever it is, but the patterns are so ingrained that I cannot find a way out. So I hide. I put on my emotional armor and a happy face and march into battle. But all the while I am shaking inside and I question why. Why am I so afraid? What am I really afraid of? Rejection? Criticism? Being challenged? Failure? The side effect of being frozen is that you do not learn and grow. You have to push your boundaries in order to see just what you are capable of. Easier said than done. 

I finally decided to launch my business, set up a website, and order my business cards. I was flip-flopping about this for a few years now. The aftermath of the COVID shutdown and many studios closing, including gym that I am currently teaching yoga at, highlighted the need for me to get out from behind the "big box" and step into the spotlight, market myself and what I can offer. So, I got the website mostly put together, ordered the cards, and now comes the hard part, asking for help to have pictures taken of me. Seems fairly innocuous. Every day, people are having their pictures taken, and even more are taking pictures of themselves. It blows my mind how some people feel so comfortable in front of the camera. Not me. For so many years I have been criticized for my appearance, weight, physical ability, you name it. My habit was, and still is, to avoid being center stage...which is quite difficult when leading classes but in my mind's eye, that is completely different. Do not ask me why. But in order for me to advertise my business, I need to have pictures taken. In order for me to have pictures taken, I have to face my fear and be IN FRONT of the camera. Asking for help was the first step. Accepting it was the next. I was pleased to have a few people give me some referrals, and was blessed when one of them agreed to help me. 

Each day brings new challenges.  Each day I put on my armor and happy face. Some days are harder than others. Being able to lean on people makes the hard days not so hard, and the challenges more bearable.

Wake Up!

I had my physical last week with a new doctor. The annual exam is never fun, but this new doctor made it easier with her lighthearted sense of humor and down to earth approach to healthcare and wellness. Nothing out of the ordinary going on. Routine exam, blood work, and flu shot. No biggie. Then I got the results of the blood work a couple of days later and something that was never an issue before suddenly became one. My cholesterol was slightly elevated. Now that may not seem like a big deal to most, but for me it was. You see, stroke runs in my family, and after seeing the crippling effects of a stroke with my ex-husband as well as other members of the family, this was an alarm bell. I never had elevated cholesterol before, so I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. All I had to deal with was the excess weight. That has now changed and I realized, for the first time, that my choices were actually killing me slowly. Wow! And if they weren't going to kill me, they were certainly setting me and my family up for some hardship should I follow in my ancestor's footsteps and survive a stroke, be it minor or major. Talk about a wake up call!

I don't want to be a burden to my family. It is one thing to lean on each other from time to time. It is another thing altogether to have to depend on them for day to day care. To lose my independence is something that I dread. To prevent that, it looks like this detox that I started will become more of a permanent change...with some minor tweaks in that it is not so restrictive in some areas, but more so in others. It's a process, but now I am learning to be more mindful with my choices, and intentional with those choices. I still have my stumbling blocks, but I can see them sometimes before I fall...and sometimes right after. Tomorrow is a new day.

Blank Stare...

I started re-reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown again, this time with the Reader Worksheet & Bookclub Guide that I downloaded from her website. I know, I'm a nerd...or as my daughter likes to say, "Mom! You're such a Ravenclaw!"  I enjoy reading books of this nature with a worksheet that has thought provoking questions as I find that I get more out of the reading. The questions give be a moment to focus and also to pause and really chew on the material. To me, it is the difference between drinking your veggies in a smoothie (no worksheet) and eating your greens as is. There is more effort to the latter than slurping everything down just to get it done. (food analogies...good grief!)

Well, all was going well until I read the first question after I finished the preface. It says, "How do you understand the differentiation between self-awareness and self-love?" Uhhh...hmmm...good question (cue the blank stare). I thought I had a handle on it, but being the good Ravenclaw that I am, I went to the University of Google and looked up the definitions of both, and was still sitting in numbed silence. First thing's first, and the definition of self-awareness is as follows:

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.  It is how an individual consciously knows and understands their own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

I sat there for a good while thinking about this definition and applying it to myself. I realized that I was conflating self-awareness with being independent. But how often have I lost myself and my identity to the environment that I was in, or to the people I surrounded myself with? As a woman, how many times have I felt lost in the various identities I have (wife, mother, daughter, sister, Christian, Marine, technician, yoga instructor, etc.)? And over the years, how often have I denied my own feelings and tried to convince myself that I was either being too sensitive or flat out wrong for whatever the feeling was only to keep the peace or make someone else happy? 

The list goes on, but in the end I am left wondering who the heck is this person walking around in my body? Even better, how do I get to know her and find out who she really is instead of who her circumstances says she is? 

Little did I realize that first question from the worksheet would be a one-two punch. As I was still dazed from the first one, I started looking at part 2 of the question, where the best definition of self-love that I could find is as follows:

Self-love is the belief that you are a valuable and worthy person. It is an honest and authentic appreciation of the self that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. It is about valuing yourself as a human being who is worthy of love and respect.

Sounds easy, right? Well, when you look at how my husband and I define love, it is not as easy as I first thought. To us, love is a verb, not a feeling, and it is giving to a person's basic needs without a selfish motivation. So, out comes the paper and I listed what some of those basic needs might look like:

1. Food/drink
2. Clothing
3. Shelter/safety
4. Security
5. Acceptance without judgement

If this is true, then why do I settle for the worst possible food choices? Why do I choose clothing in colors and sizes that allow me to hide? Why do I isolate myself and keep people at arm's length out of fear of being hurt or betrayed (this blog is my first step at changing that)? Why do I spend money on things that I do not need? And why the frick am I so hard on myself???

Looking at both self-awareness and self-love, it is clear that I am not practicing either very well, if at all. Blink, blink, as I stare blankly at the screen. Truth is, I don't think I ever learned how. At some point in my journey I must learn how to do this if I am ever going to break the cycle of addiction (jeez it was hard to write that word) and abuse.

I WANT...

I WANT.

It is surprising how powerful those two small words are. How much control they have over me, how long they have been in charge, and how willing I am to surrender my own power to those two, small words.

I have known that I needed to make some major changes in my relationship with myself for some time, particularly in the area around food. I have started and stopped programs for various reasons over the years, from counting points to counting calories to watching macros. No matter what, I always end up back at the beginning, feeling worse than I did before and not really understanding why. As my teacher Rolf Gates says, “If you do what you did, you get what you got.”  I never fully understood the meaning behind that saying until just recently.

About two weeks ago, I started a detox program at the gym, eliminating all foods that contain eggs, cheese/dairy, soy, wheat/gluten, corn, peanuts, sugar, and practically eliminating caffeine. I thought, “I’ve got this in the bag. I’ve done countless programs like this in the past and I can do this.”  Life has a funny way of showing you just how arrogant you are. I was not into this detox three days before the I WANT gremlin reared its ugly head. What was it I wanted? Eggs. I dreamed of eggs and all the ways I could prepare them. Boiled, scrambled, fried, in a quiche, in an omelette. You name it, I've thought it. I would have done just about anything for a boiled egg, or two. And of that was not bad enough, right behind the egg gremlin was cheese. I fantasized about an egg and cheese omelette. What was going on here and where did that come from? I would have expected visions of bread and pastries dancing in my head, but eggs and cheese? What the heck?

That really got me thinking, and wondering what the real underlying motivation was. What am I trying to satisfy if I gave in to the I WANT? All of my nutritional needs were being met, so what was it? Why was the line between I WANT being blurred with I NEED? Even worse yet, the gremlin morphed from I WANT to I DESERVE. And it only took three days. Damn. That is when I realized just how deep I WANT had its hooks in me.

Then I remembered a piece I read many years ago in Yoga International called The Way Of Non-Attachment, by Eknath Easwaran, and I re-read it last night. I had never read anything by Easwaran before, nor had I heard of him, but this article really spoke to me and I have revisited it many times over the years. The first time I read this, however, was about a year before I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training, and had no knowledge of the eight limbs of yoga, much less the Yamas and Niyamas. Since then, I have had a superficial connection with both brahmacharya (non-excess) and aparigraha (non-possessiveness), especially when it comes to my relationship with food. In her book, “The Yamas & Niyamas: Exploring Yoga’s Ethical Practice,” Deborah Adele states that “brahmacharya literally means ‘walking with God’ and invites us into an awareness of the sacredness of life;” and “aparigraha can also be interpreted at non-attachment, non-greed, non-clinging, non-grasping, and non-coveting; we can simply think of it as being able to ‘let go’.”

Whoa. Non-coveting. Hmmm…now, where have I heard that I am not supposed to covet? How has this addiction affected my relationships with everyone around me, my relationship with myself, and more importantly my relationship with God? Getting antsy and irritated when I do not get what I WANT when I WANT it and the way that I WANT it?  How many times have I been in situations where I focused my attention on the food than on the conversation? How many times have I binged on something to the point of nausea (ahimsa, or non-harming), only to swear that I will never do that again? How long have I denied that there is a problem, lying to myself (satya, another of the yamas translates to truthfulness)? What about the future I have stolen from my family and myself by allowing I WANT to take control of my choices (asteya, or non-stealing)?

If I am being honest with myself, I have not truly been following the teachings not only of yoga, but also of the Scriptures. I cannot blame others for leading me into temptation. I have to own the karma of the choices I made, both good and bad. Fixing my focus is the key, and the struggle is real. It is no wonder that the cycle kept coming back around. I keep doing what I did, and getting what I got over and over.

This detox humbled me. It is also teaching me that I have a lot of work to do. This is a constant “work in.” I need to work on my internal boundaries. I need to differentiate between I WANT, I NEED, I DESERVE, especially when it comes to food. I am a continual work in progress. I have resources to help me, friends to lean on when I need them, and my faith to sustain me. I will be ok.

I am my own worst enemy...

I signed up for Weight Watchers (again!) a few months ago, and the last time I logged anything was in November 2017 (I think). I have done this before, so many times, only to just let life's excuses justify why I am not taking care of myself. I found myself falling into the same old patterns of using food as a reward for whatever, and slothfulness as just rewards for a long day. As time marched on, I felt worse both physically, mentally, and spiritually. Something had to change.

So, yesterday I sent out a call for help with two of my closest friends. Asking for support and to set up our own support/accountability network. I felt defeated after I tried to go for a run in my neighborhood only to feel my feet and knees ache from all of the extra weight they are having to carry forward. I was afraid of being judged and thought of as a failure as I have been down this road so many times I have a well worn rut to remind me of all the times I have tried, succeeded, slipped, fell off the wagon, and tried to get back on again. Instead there was nothing but love between the three of us as we have all been there, done that, and have so many shirts we can make a quilt! LOL!

Today, I went to my first Team RWB yoga class. It was awesome! Today was also the first day that I logged all of my food entries in my Weight Watchers journal. After dinner I was in the mood for something sweet and was hunting around the kitchen to satisfy that sweet tooth. Then I looked at my WW journal and saw that I had no more food points left for the day, and then said, "You know what? I'm not really hungry anyway, but I am thirsty." Now I have my herbal tea sitting next to me and am getting ready to relax with book #7 of The Incarnations of Immortality.

Happy Easter!