Blank Stare...

I started re-reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown again, this time with the Reader Worksheet & Bookclub Guide that I downloaded from her website. I know, I'm a nerd...or as my daughter likes to say, "Mom! You're such a Ravenclaw!"  I enjoy reading books of this nature with a worksheet that has thought provoking questions as I find that I get more out of the reading. The questions give be a moment to focus and also to pause and really chew on the material. To me, it is the difference between drinking your veggies in a smoothie (no worksheet) and eating your greens as is. There is more effort to the latter than slurping everything down just to get it done. (food analogies...good grief!)

Well, all was going well until I read the first question after I finished the preface. It says, "How do you understand the differentiation between self-awareness and self-love?" Uhhh...hmmm...good question (cue the blank stare). I thought I had a handle on it, but being the good Ravenclaw that I am, I went to the University of Google and looked up the definitions of both, and was still sitting in numbed silence. First thing's first, and the definition of self-awareness is as follows:

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.  It is how an individual consciously knows and understands their own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

I sat there for a good while thinking about this definition and applying it to myself. I realized that I was conflating self-awareness with being independent. But how often have I lost myself and my identity to the environment that I was in, or to the people I surrounded myself with? As a woman, how many times have I felt lost in the various identities I have (wife, mother, daughter, sister, Christian, Marine, technician, yoga instructor, etc.)? And over the years, how often have I denied my own feelings and tried to convince myself that I was either being too sensitive or flat out wrong for whatever the feeling was only to keep the peace or make someone else happy? 

The list goes on, but in the end I am left wondering who the heck is this person walking around in my body? Even better, how do I get to know her and find out who she really is instead of who her circumstances says she is? 

Little did I realize that first question from the worksheet would be a one-two punch. As I was still dazed from the first one, I started looking at part 2 of the question, where the best definition of self-love that I could find is as follows:

Self-love is the belief that you are a valuable and worthy person. It is an honest and authentic appreciation of the self that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. It is about valuing yourself as a human being who is worthy of love and respect.

Sounds easy, right? Well, when you look at how my husband and I define love, it is not as easy as I first thought. To us, love is a verb, not a feeling, and it is giving to a person's basic needs without a selfish motivation. So, out comes the paper and I listed what some of those basic needs might look like:

1. Food/drink
2. Clothing
3. Shelter/safety
4. Security
5. Acceptance without judgement

If this is true, then why do I settle for the worst possible food choices? Why do I choose clothing in colors and sizes that allow me to hide? Why do I isolate myself and keep people at arm's length out of fear of being hurt or betrayed (this blog is my first step at changing that)? Why do I spend money on things that I do not need? And why the frick am I so hard on myself???

Looking at both self-awareness and self-love, it is clear that I am not practicing either very well, if at all. Blink, blink, as I stare blankly at the screen. Truth is, I don't think I ever learned how. At some point in my journey I must learn how to do this if I am ever going to break the cycle of addiction (jeez it was hard to write that word) and abuse.

I WANT...

I WANT.

It is surprising how powerful those two small words are. How much control they have over me, how long they have been in charge, and how willing I am to surrender my own power to those two, small words.

I have known that I needed to make some major changes in my relationship with myself for some time, particularly in the area around food. I have started and stopped programs for various reasons over the years, from counting points to counting calories to watching macros. No matter what, I always end up back at the beginning, feeling worse than I did before and not really understanding why. As my teacher Rolf Gates says, “If you do what you did, you get what you got.”  I never fully understood the meaning behind that saying until just recently.

About two weeks ago, I started a detox program at the gym, eliminating all foods that contain eggs, cheese/dairy, soy, wheat/gluten, corn, peanuts, sugar, and practically eliminating caffeine. I thought, “I’ve got this in the bag. I’ve done countless programs like this in the past and I can do this.”  Life has a funny way of showing you just how arrogant you are. I was not into this detox three days before the I WANT gremlin reared its ugly head. What was it I wanted? Eggs. I dreamed of eggs and all the ways I could prepare them. Boiled, scrambled, fried, in a quiche, in an omelette. You name it, I've thought it. I would have done just about anything for a boiled egg, or two. And of that was not bad enough, right behind the egg gremlin was cheese. I fantasized about an egg and cheese omelette. What was going on here and where did that come from? I would have expected visions of bread and pastries dancing in my head, but eggs and cheese? What the heck?

That really got me thinking, and wondering what the real underlying motivation was. What am I trying to satisfy if I gave in to the I WANT? All of my nutritional needs were being met, so what was it? Why was the line between I WANT being blurred with I NEED? Even worse yet, the gremlin morphed from I WANT to I DESERVE. And it only took three days. Damn. That is when I realized just how deep I WANT had its hooks in me.

Then I remembered a piece I read many years ago in Yoga International called The Way Of Non-Attachment, by Eknath Easwaran, and I re-read it last night. I had never read anything by Easwaran before, nor had I heard of him, but this article really spoke to me and I have revisited it many times over the years. The first time I read this, however, was about a year before I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training, and had no knowledge of the eight limbs of yoga, much less the Yamas and Niyamas. Since then, I have had a superficial connection with both brahmacharya (non-excess) and aparigraha (non-possessiveness), especially when it comes to my relationship with food. In her book, “The Yamas & Niyamas: Exploring Yoga’s Ethical Practice,” Deborah Adele states that “brahmacharya literally means ‘walking with God’ and invites us into an awareness of the sacredness of life;” and “aparigraha can also be interpreted at non-attachment, non-greed, non-clinging, non-grasping, and non-coveting; we can simply think of it as being able to ‘let go’.”

Whoa. Non-coveting. Hmmm…now, where have I heard that I am not supposed to covet? How has this addiction affected my relationships with everyone around me, my relationship with myself, and more importantly my relationship with God? Getting antsy and irritated when I do not get what I WANT when I WANT it and the way that I WANT it?  How many times have I been in situations where I focused my attention on the food than on the conversation? How many times have I binged on something to the point of nausea (ahimsa, or non-harming), only to swear that I will never do that again? How long have I denied that there is a problem, lying to myself (satya, another of the yamas translates to truthfulness)? What about the future I have stolen from my family and myself by allowing I WANT to take control of my choices (asteya, or non-stealing)?

If I am being honest with myself, I have not truly been following the teachings not only of yoga, but also of the Scriptures. I cannot blame others for leading me into temptation. I have to own the karma of the choices I made, both good and bad. Fixing my focus is the key, and the struggle is real. It is no wonder that the cycle kept coming back around. I keep doing what I did, and getting what I got over and over.

This detox humbled me. It is also teaching me that I have a lot of work to do. This is a constant “work in.” I need to work on my internal boundaries. I need to differentiate between I WANT, I NEED, I DESERVE, especially when it comes to food. I am a continual work in progress. I have resources to help me, friends to lean on when I need them, and my faith to sustain me. I will be ok.